Oh, The Thinks Kelly Can Think!

I have this friend, Kelly. Kelly is a college student at Liberty University. She likes green. She is a wonderful photographer. She’s very frank about being single and it’s correlation to her leg shaving schedule. She’s a nursing student, and she tweets a lot. I recently entered the Twittersphere, and discovered her hilarious and off-beat musings. I asked her if I could share them, and thank your lucky stars, she said yes.

Thumbs UpNecessary Information: Liberty University is a Christian college, so rather than being obsessed with dating, many women there are instead consumed with getting that “ring by spring.” Kelly does a marvelous job of snide-remarking on this phenomenon.

Attention: If you’re going to merely skim this post…do yourself a favor and go straight to the part where I list her interesting observations about personal hygiene.

Kelly tweets about all kinds of things. Some of her frequent twopics (get it?) are existence…

If I ever commit suicide, I want the twitter world to know: IT’S STAGED. #FreakingLoveMyLife

Everyone keeps promising me that tonight won’t be awkward. Well, challenge accepted.

Guess why they gave the liver its name? Because if you remove it, you die! #ThatOneIsOnTheHouse

I’m laying down on the couch with my head sideways, but the TV is right-side-up and I can’t turn the TV sideways. #FirstWorldProblems

…education…

I want to become fluent in GIFs and memes. Like, have at least one ready for any possible circumstance.#WheresCanITakeThatLanguageClass?!?

The amount of times a nursing/science prof says something & in my head I’m like, “Oh I know that from CSI/L&O/Bones!” is surprisingly a lot.

I’m just a vigilante, tracking down grammar abusers who try to pass “your” for “you’re” & begging them the question: “mine?”#OneTypoAtATime

I’ve gotten a lot of “is that a time-turner on your key chain?!” comments lately. Yep. Make fun now, you’ll be jealous come finals week.

… entrepreneurship… 

Gonna start a business where I assess the impression peoples’ profile pictures give. Then it’s my job to let people know they look trashy.

…and paranoia:

On April Fools Day, my natural distrust of others is ratcheted up to a level bordering psychosis.

 Not everyone is blessed w/ our skills. Just us fortunate few. Don’t be ashamed by the gift we’ve been given ;)#CreepingIsAGift

Kelly has quite a mouthful of wisdom nuggets and honey-must-you sauce on the topic of being single…

From the first time I met you, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life awkwardly avoiding eye contact with you in hallways.

Spiritual Emphasis Week, Missions Emphasis Week, Church-planting Emphasis Week… Where is Ring-By-Spring emphasis week at?

You can just call us TWITs. (Trophy Wife In Training)

 Want to know the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has a date. Waiting on that #RingBySpring

Oh hey boys… You like Kraft American Singles? You should try crafty American singles. #PickLinesIComeUpWithWhenImFeelingArtsy

Maybe the reason my love life is non-existent is bc I never forwarded all of those emails is middle school. #ItAllMakesSense

@RingBySpringLU Sermon this am is on what the Bible says about singleness, and why it’s a gift.#WhereCanIReturnThisGiftAndGetMyRingBySpring

But without a doubt, the subject matter that speaks most to my heart is Kelly’s musing on personal hygiene. As many of you may know, I was once an outsider in the world of beauty products and cleanliness, and I’m also an earthy kind of girl (in a clean way), so her words ring true like one of those weird collector bells you find at gift shops.

I think I’ll join “Mustache March-ers,” & make “Many-hairs-on-legs March” for women. #Single #Winter #LongPants #Lazy#JustLostAllGuyFriends

Some have really deep & serious thoughts in the shower. I come up w/ math formulas to calculate how many times one should shave each month.

I’ve been having some of the best burps of my life in the past half hour. AND THERE’S NO ONE HERE TO APPRECIATE THEM.#SADFACE

The world deserves to know. This is the wild Kelly in her rare natural state. (with the following image:)

When did we reach the age when there was no longer princess undies in our size? How quickly that age passed w/o us knowing. & now I miss it.

I’m s’posed to find something in everything to be thankful for, so I’m thankful I’m not married, ’cause I just shaved 2wks of hair. #noshame

Thanks to a scale in my room, I decided to do some experimentation. In case you were wondering, when you go pee, you lose about 3lbs.#tmi?

And in closing:

#ThatIronicMomentWhen the guy who plays a rapist on an episode of Law & Order: SVU also plays Jiminy Cricket on Once Upon A Time.

When Fbook puts certain people at the top of my friends list on my Fbook profile, I reward it by clicking on them. #PositiveReinforcement

Do you have a friend that rocks the twitter world on a regular basis? Share their tweets in the comment section (with their permission of course).

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