Yo. Internet. I don’t like those awkward conversation starters like “How are you?” or “What’s Up?” (the answer is always the same! How does everyone keep forgetting it!) so I’m going to cut the social formalities and get straight to the point. I have been thinking about real life soundtracks a lot lately. When I watch movies, I think “Oh, that’s so cool/sweet/quirky/awesome. I wish my life could be like that.” I used to think my life was sans movie luster because of the actual plot and events, but after some indubitably insightful thinking sessions, I came upon the hypothesis that it’s not the plot, it’s the background music. A kiss is so much more romantic if Frank Sinatra is crooning in the background. Most fight scenes would be boring without the requisite instrumental, fast paced, high energy theme song. Horror movies rely the most on the tunes. And so on. Therefore, I could live just as cool a life as the movies if I only had a life soundtrack.
Of course, this would be difficult. How would you know how your day was going to play out thematically? Even if you knew you were going to be desperately fleeing a rabid pigeon in the park, how could you make sure your boombox was ready to play Phillip Glass’ creepy Ghandi opera at the precise moment?
Well, yesterday, as I was strolling around Staten Island on a weekend trip to NYC, my friend pulled out his phone to play a song so he could more easily strut/dance down the sidewalk. That’s when I had the best idea for this app that would….hmm. Actually. I don’t want anyone to steal my idea, (I’m talking bigger than Angry Birds brilliant) but basically it tailors a soundtrack for your life based on various factors (again…I can’t give this idea away). End result: your life is pretty much an awesome movie. Like an audible Instagram that makes everything a little cooler looking.
It may be a while, dear readers/ future app-buyers, before my groundbreaking work hits the iphone, but meanwhile, I’ve put together some background songs for you. Anyone could grab a couple fun songs for their daily routine or a quirky jam for weekend explorations in Manhattan (see this song for the featured photo of yours truly dashing cheerfully towards a large building full of books). But what I have done for you, oh consumers of the internet, is I have made you a completely unnecessary soundtrack for life moments you will probably never ever have. Do work.
1) This one is for my women readers. For that quiet Sunday afternoon when you’re rolling through the ‘burbs, and you suddenly feel like the most bad a** lady in town. You pull that monogramed bling’n chain from out behind your Aeropostale sweater, roll down the windows, throw on some sweet shades and show that family friendly, lawn-manicured hood WHAT IS UP.
2) Fellas. When you’re wandering not so aimlessly through the after party of your old friend from middle school’s Batman marathon…and you see a girl… of average looks. You want to impress her. But you are incapable of lying (not cause you’re a decent guy…it’s just a quirk…everyone has them…geez). You masterfully twist the situation to your advantage like a skilled baker twists a delicious large pretzel. It goes something like this…
3) K. So all you couples. You’re at your local Pottery Barn registering for your fancy upcoming wedding. You’ve decided to forgo children and instead jet around the world doing really edgy things (bee tee dubs: you have lots of money and don’t need to work). Then…BAM….you look at an adorable kid sized TV dinner stand and suddenly think: sure, we have enough money to recreate those Dubai scenes from the comically cheesy Mission Impossible IV. Scaling the tallest buildings in the world would be nice. Sure, we could roam from one ex-pat poet home to another and help edit future literary classics on ever continent (you come from a long line of literary wing-men and women). But deep down inside…that’s not what you want. You want to build a suburban dream home and burn dolls in it (see 3:07 in the vid). Don’t be afraid to let the world know.
4) Check this. It’s the year 1219. You’re super busy invading the west and building the largest contiguous empire in history. On the super busy agenda today is pillaging in the Khwarezmian Empire. This is a lot of work. You have to be pumped up. But you don’t want to be cheesy and get rolling with that classic heading out to party song, “I Gotta Feeling” by the The Black Eyed Peas. Really, you’d prefer something in a language you understood. So you throw this on the 13th Century equivilent of the ipod, and get psyched. (Your second choice was Barney Stinson’s “Get Psyched Mix,” but again…the language thing tipped the scales.)
What would you put on your real life soundtrack? Have you actually found yourself in any of the situations I’ve described? Are you an app developer that wants to partner with me to create an audible Instagram? (I wasn’t kidding. I’ve got this all figured out.) Do want to know how my friends and I impressed a young French child in Morningside Park and a homeless man at the corner of 96th & Broadway with the very same stupid human skill? Do you want to raise my self confidence by validating my online ramblings? Comment!