Ezra Writes Harlequin Romance

This is very simple. I visit Barnes & Noble dot com. I go to the harlequin romance novels. I write down the names that most amuse me. I write new excerpts “from” these novels based solely on the name. I also make gratuitous use of key harlequin components like marriage, virgins, pregnancy, conundrum, Greek names, Italian names, Russian names, Arab royalty references.

Tempted by Her Innocent Kiss : “Brad-Doug felt confusion burning through his his huge, hairy, throbbing forehead. He knew she was innocent. But he also knew that she was tempting him. How, Brad-Doug pondered, could he know two things at one time. This had never happened to him before except for that one time when he knew he was hungry and that he was also cold.”

The Desert King’s Housekeeper Bride: Everyone knew something fishy was going one when Sheikh Leo Christakis hired a housekeeper for his yurt. There was no floor. It was all this fierce yurt dwelling royal family could do to keep the mighty dunes of the Sahara from burying their nomadic camel business. A few suspected that Christakis had bought Elaine from the passing gypsies, but no one could predict that Leo Christakis and Elaine Jones  would become the most committed monogamous lovers that the Zeed people group had ever seen. Their love continued to blossom like a desert rose…or what they thought was a rose. In reality, it was a  rosette formation of gypsum and barite with sand inclusions…. a rock. Still, Elaine thought nothing could go wrong…..until one day the hostile Wong tribe arrived…..just as she went into labor.

Lady Louisa’s Christmas Knight: “The fire crackled and the warm, sensual smell of pies baking filled the whole house. Louisa tied the last bow on the last present and placed it neatly under the tree. Just then, she heard a sound at the door. Easing it open, she saw a tiny package. “To My Fair Lady Louisa,” it said in messy handwriting on bright pink wrapping paper. She smiled to herself. It had been six whole months since her final surgery, and the novelty of finally being a woman hadn’t worn off. Lady Louisa, Lady Louisa, Lady Louisa. She repeated the words under her breath as she placed this package at the top of the pile.

Don’t f*****g touch my with your diamonds!

Untouched By His Diamonds: “Don’t f****g touch me with your diamonds, ” the customer snarled as Tad tried to place the jewels around her neck. He should have listened to his mother when she warned him not to work in an upscale department store. These housewives were unpredictable and irrational. First they want to be diamonds then they don’t want diamonds. He couldn’t even imagine the stress they must place on their bronzed, rich illicit lovers.

 Thunder Horse Heritage: “Their romance had developed from a friendship built on a mutual love of Thunder Horse. Both Mercedes and her lover Alaric McCabe that Thunder Horse was more than a dog. He was family. As they watched his hair fall out and his jowls sink low, they wondered how they would keep the fiery passion of their affair alive after Thunder Horse left them. Alaric McCabe was everything a man should be, but Mercedes didn’t know if he be both a lover and a dog to her. Could he replace Thunder Horse? Could she replace Thunder Horse?

The Future King’s Pregnant Mistress: “Darling,” she crooned in her aristocratic souther drawl,”I could really go for a cheeseburger. No! Pickles! No no no wait burger and pickles and caviar.” The disgustingly rich, handsome, Greek millionaire smiled at his mistress’s huge baby bump. Their marriage seemed like a miracle. At one point, their sacred union had been impossible. Social norms and anti-polygamy laws had kept them apart, officially. It had all started when he casually started a passionate affair with his current wife, . In a miraculous turn of events, their mostly physical and loveless illicit relationship was given a chance to really blossom when the woman was cheating on, his third wife Kurvitzka, threw herself after a bridge. Kurvitzka’s friends said she did it because she was so completely shocked and surprised and astonished that he was not faithful to her. After all, she had been his favorite mistress when he was still with his second wife.”

She’s so complex! And pregnant! And a virgin! Innocent and tempting! What!

The Millionaire’s Pregnant Wife: “Darling,” she crooned in her aristocratic souther drawl,”I could really go for a cheeseburger. No! Pickles! No no no wait burger and pickles and caviar.” The disgustingly rich, handsome, Italian millionaire smiled at his wife’s huge baby bump. Their marriage seemed like a miracle. At one point, their sacred union had been impossible. Social norms and anti-polygamy laws had kept them apart, officially. It had all started when he casually started a passionate affair with his current wife, Rionna. In a miraculous turn of events, their mostly physical and loveless illicit relationship was given a chance to really blossom when the woman was cheating on, his third wife Katerinka, threw herself under an oncoming street cleaner. Katerinka’s friends said she did it because she was so completely shocked and surprised and astonished that he was not faithful to her. After all, she had been his favorite mistress when he was still with his second wife.”

Honestly, the hardest part about this was making something even more absurd than the originals. I mean, Virgin Mistress, Scandalous Love Child ? What is this grammatically confusing madness? 

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